Wasn't meant to be...

Well, it seems my body has aborted the pregnancy yet again. I started today, not very heavy however, but I no longer believe I am pregnant. I guess that early test and then the negative test says it all- a miscarriage. My friend told me that I needed to stop going through this and put myself on birth control.

It's not that I don't believe in it, I just don't like having to take pills all the time just to make myself feel better! It's bad enough that I have to take anti-depressants everyday just to function properly! It's not her fault, I know she means well.

I am sad, but I knew it was going to happen again... I just don't understand why though. Am I not supposed to have kids? Am I cursed? Am I being punished for something I did? Only god knows the answer to that. I wonder though why it is this way... I need to get an extensive checkup. I think I will have my doctor look into it tomorrow. I remember; when I was 3, I was kicked in the ovaries by a horse. Thrown up against a barn and knocked out. I wonder if that has anything to do with it?

My belief is, things happen for a reason... Maybe that happened because God knows for some unforseen reason- I cannot and should not have children. I wish I knew why, but I guess that's for me to find out at the appropriate time. Damn I'm tired... Until next time! Night!

- Nita